I didn't write much about my break-up with the Tin Man because it was just much too painful at the time. But now that I'm seeing him again I'll try to explain what happened.
In September TM accepted a new job that was going to adversely affect scheduling time together. First the job was going to require him to go out of state for some training. Once he returned, his office was going to be quite a bit farther from where I work. This new job was not going to allow him the flexibility throughout the day for us to get together as we had always done.
This brought us to that place that a lot of us have been when you know a relationship is coming to an end. Remember when you were dating someone and for reasons beyond your control you can no longer see each other much, however you don't want to break up because you want to avoid the pain? Yet, you know that the pain of seeing the person move on, perhaps with someone new, will be even more painful than a break up. So what do you do? You try to move on and replace the person so that you won't have to deal with the emptiness and you'll also feel better when the other has also found someone. Because hey, now you have someone too. It's the beating them to the punch kind of thing. Break-up with them before they break up with me. Find a new girl/boyfriend before they find a new girl/boyfriend. This happens when people move apart, when couples go to separate colleges, or other similar circumstances.
Anyhow, we talked about how we wouldn't be seeing each other much and how it wouldn't be fair to expect the other not to have their needs fulfilled; afterall that is how we initially came together was to supply a basic need for sex.
So TM tells me that he does not care to see anyone else, doesn't want to see anyone else, has no plans to see anyone else, and that he's done with that except for what we had & perhaps may continue to have, but on very limited basis now. He also assures me that it's okay for me to do what I need to do. He says he understands if I decide to seek a new friend with benefits. And I never say that I won't do that, but I also don't say that I will. As a matter of fact I disclose that I've looked on the AFF website where we initially found each other; I admit to creating a new profile. He continues to tell me that he hasn't and that he won't do that. He professes that I was "it" for him. And most of all he professes his love. And I guess because I was confessing my own new "search", I believed that he would confess too if he were doing the same thing. So that left me with believing what he was saying, which was that he was not interested in starting a new affair.
I know, I know and I don't need the lectures!! I know what many of you are thinking. Why would I believe someone who is having an affair with me? Why would I believe someone who is living a lie & cheating on his wife? Well I guess I just wanted to believe those things. I guess I wanted to test the truth to that and secretly hoped that even with the new job things would not change between us; afterall he was telling me that he loved me and didn't want anyone else.
Long story short, I found that he was looking for someone else. He was looking for someone in the city where he would be for training.
No lectures, please. I've done it too, you've read about it here. The difference is that TM knew I was doing it. I did not ever say that I wouldn't do that. And all of those other affairs were before we became exclusive, which by September was already more than a year that there hadn't been anyone else but the Tin Man. I saw other men while involved with the Tin Man, but that was before our agreement to see each other exclusively. I never disclosed who or how many others I saw, but it was assumed that I was doing that. I never felt the details were his business... he didn't owe me anything and I didn't owe him anything. We were just fuck buddies at that time, and not exclusive.
So, my feelings got really hurt. Mostly because I didn't expect it. I wanted to believe the words that he said to me and now I knew that I couldn't. And it made me wonder how many other things were not true.
Spare me the lectures, I'm not stupid, but I was perhaps too hopeful for honesty in an adulterous affair.... LOL...yes, I can laugh about it now and accept that I was a stupid fool. Believe an adulterer, HA! I am one too and I've hidden behind the "not disclosing is not the same is lying" fallacy.
With the message of: wake up stupid, foolish girl...stop living in a fantasy....see this for what it really is, a relationship based on nothing but deception, I found myself angry at the Tin Man and very angry at myself. I hated that I had revealed so much, that I had been so vulnerable, shared things that were so personal, and that I had fallen in love. I asked him not to call me and told him I didn't want to see him. I just needed the time to think and to feel the pain of what it was and what it will never be. You know that when you are in a situation that brings you pain, sometimes you push it aside just so you don't have to deal with it. It's like that pile of work on your desk and tackling the little jobs that you like and procrastinating over the ones you hate.
It must have been 7-8 weeks that I didn't have any communication with TM. Zero. No emails, no phone calls.
I was so miserable. I cried a lot. There was a Friday after work when I just couldn't hold it in any longer. I'd held it together all week while working and I just lost it that Friday evening. I couldn't even hide it because I was at home. My husband asked me what was wrong and I told him I was just having a case of the blues. I needed consoling so badly that I finally asked my husband to hug me. I just needed to feel human touch and consoling. And it was the first time in more than three years that my husband had hugged me and it felt strange to be missing another man while in the embrace of someone who had not physically loved me in so long. Like Jonny wrote about in a post of his,
break-ups, there is no one with whom you can share the pain of your break-up when the heartache is over someone with whom you're having an affair. (Also see my previous post
TM break-up).
In the weeks spent apart from the Tin Man, I learned that I missed the friendship more than anything else. I just wanted to talk to TM about the little mundane things that were going on in my life. I wanted to feel the intimacy that I didn't have with anyone else. I wanted the emotional and spiritual intimacy more than I wanted the physical/sexual that brought us together in the first place.
Finally one day I had an email from TM. He started by apologizing for not honoring my request that he not write or contact me. He said he just couldn't stop thinking about me and if I didn't write back he would accept that.
By the time I heard from him all I knew with 100% certainty was that I really loved this man and his friendship meant a lot to me. I knew that if we didn't resume a sexual relationship, I still wanted him to be a part of my life. Yes, we are both adulterers, liars, whatever other awful things some may want to label us (I'm not saying they aren't well deserved labels). But, we're like EVERYONE reading this... we're not perfect. We were (still are) friends who care about one another.
I replied to his email and we began talking, emailing, and eventually met for lunch.
And we are now seeing each other again just like before. I'm trying to keep my eyes open this time and just worry about today. I love him today. We have a friendship today. He's my best friend today. Tomorrow it could all change.
In my previous post I received a comment from Regal which was basically good wishes with the cautionary note that hopefully the pain of breaking up with TM wouldn't be something I'd have to go through again. Regal added that although painful, I was probably on my way to healing. That comment will with certainty come back and haunt me. I've had break-ups before in my life and felt like I would die. And after some healing time I'd reach the point where I was still sad, but no longer felt like dying. Then BOOM, he (whoever at the time) would call and suddenly we'd be back together only to set myself up for that inevitable pain again. When things with TM end again (and they will and someday it will be permanent), I will regret this reconciliation. I will be crying, and hurting, and hating myself for ever getting back into this doomed affair. Silly little heart is still 17 and it wants to stop hurting and wants to feel love & joy again. My brain is 41 and telling the heart.... stupid, stupid heart, you're setting yourself up for pain again; be strong you're doing fine. But sometimes the heart has a mind of its own.
I did see someone else for sex only and one-time only (it was like taking a Valium) during our little break; just because I needed to for pure pleasure of the flesh.
Coming soon I'll write more about the reconciliation and about the most wonderful time TM & I had 10 days ago.... after all, that's the purpose of my blog to give you the steamy details.
Do you also want me to write about the "Valium"?
